Its Ok to be Ok.

         Over the past few months I have discovered a lot about myself that I wasn't quite prepared for. Mostly that I think I am capable of singlehandedly taking on the world and never messing up. I had created this perfect place in my head where if I fell short of my standard for myself I had no purpose anymore. This "perfect" world allowed me to take care of myself, because “I don't need any help."  This led me to another discovery. I would cringe every time I let myself say "I'm ok" whenever someone asked how I was doing. I would much rather say, " great! " or "my life is wonderful" herby proving that I can take care of myself and everything is dandy is Suzy's perfect world. But there is a problem with this.  My life wasn't, isn't, dandy.  It's hard. It's messy. I'm prideful. I'm ashamed. I constantly fall short of my expectations day after day. And because I think I'm capable of doing everything by myself I slowly and surely build walls up around me that even the largest battering ram cannot penetrate. But behind those walls I am feeble, and I am scared. No one tells you how to be an adult. It's something we can only learn from experience. But it all honesty, those experiences are starting to make me numb.  How long can a human go, by themselves, before the walls are broken but they realize in that moment that they aren't staring at an army but are actually completely alone. Because for so long the battle that they thought they were fighting turns out to be themselves. Alone, and very small among all the ruble. It's easy for my thoughts to ramble, however the biggest awakening I am starting to unveil is how helpless I am, over and over again.  And how it's ok to say "I'm ok" because that's not a bad answer. It's simply the truth. Am I breathing? Yes. But is life difficult? Yes. I'm ok. I somehow survived and I am climbing out of the ruble with more understanding even amidst the mess. I am not perfect. I am not humble. I am not at peace. But I am ok. Because I serve Yahweh. I serve my gracious father who so generously pulls me up when I discover my weaknesses, who so humbly patches my wounds that I created from myself. He asks me "how are you? And I answer "I'm ok." And he doesn't ask "are you sure!?" He knows. And I am thankful. Seasons are interesting. And this particular season in my life has been more challenging in ways I could have never planned for. So I will trudge on, with battle wounds and feelings of defeat. But I will thank my father for loneliness as we walk hand in hand and he shows me his faithfulness.  My life is not perfect and that is ok. 

Living For Today

        9 months. In the beginning that sounds like such a lengthy amount of time, but I blink and its over. That is how Walkabout was for me. It was weird, sitting at our graduation around a community of people that became my friends, my family. But what was weirder, was sitting there trying to process all that the Lord has done for me this past year in my time at Camp Eagle. Before coming to camp Eagle I believed the lie that I was control of my life. My thoughts, my actions, my heart, were all based off of my own perspective and my own selfish desires. I saw the needy as society taught me to see them, which was basically indifferent. When in reality, we are all people with stories and people who long to be loved and be given affection, poor or not. Jesus tells us, “blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 5:3).

        Before Walkabout, following Jesus was what I believed but not what I lived out. Throughout the growing process of this past year our father has given me a new perspective, His perspective. That living for Jesus instead of just believing is much more radical, eye opening, humbling, and hard. The cost of being a disciple, and understanding that cost, is pivotal in my walk with the Lord.

        It went from me saying “I believe” to “I will follow”, “I will act”, “I will obey”, “I will trust.” Being a disciple to Jesus Christ leaves us no room for ourselves. Which brings me to another lie I used to believe and still find my self struggling with at times. “I am entitled.” To what?! This mindset was rooted deep in all my pride. The lie that I am better, I am deserving, and more knowledgeable. Lies. Through this experience God has started to strip me of my pride and has replaced in my heart a thorn of humility. I say thorn, because it hurts pretty bad to die to yourself, and its a slow painful experience. But something beautiful always grows out of it during the process.

        Something else the Lord has given me since my time being out here, is confidence. Yet another lie I used to believe is that I am never good enough. And the truth is, with that mindset I never was; because my attention was always focused on my self, my faults. I drove myself crazy with how much I wanted to be someone else, constantly comparing myself to others and trying to accept things for anything but what they were. The problem with this is that Christ never came into the picture. Through my time at Camp Eagle and being part of Walkabout, Jesus has found an intimate dwelling place in my soul. A place where I find stability, and truth. I place where all of a sudden I do not have to worry about my self because all that is there is the presence of an almighty all loving father that holds me tightly when I am tempted to get caught in the lies of insecurity.

“For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus sake. For God who said “let light shine out of darkness” has shone in out hearts to give light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face if Jesus Christ.” 2 Corinthians 4:5-6

        And when it comes down to it, at the end of the day, I am speechless. Because no amount of words, blogs, or worship can ever come close to the ways the Lord is molding my heart and giving me joy though hardships and pursing me no matter what. He is alive, he is present. The trees call out his name, the wind is singing his music, and we his hopeful children should run into his arms in celebration. Because its about time we stop asking questions he has already given us the answers to, and start praising him for who he is and who he has created us to be. Let us live in the moment he has called us to, liberated from our sin that he has forgiven from our past present and future. Let us be the heirs that he calls us, running towards the hope that he promises. Letting go of our selves and holding on to Him, and the word of truth that he has breathed into all of us. “But as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way; by great endurance, in afflictions, hardships, calamities, beatings, imprisonments, riots, labors, sleepless nights, hunger, by purity knowledge, patience, kindness, the Holy Spirit, genuine love, by truthful speech and the power of God; with the weapons of righteousness for the right hand and the left, through honor and dishonor, through slander and praise. We are treated as impostors, and yet are true, as unknown and yet well known; as divine and behold, we live as punished, and yet not killed; as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor yet making many rich, as having nothing, yet possessing everything.” (2 Corinthians 6: 4-10).

       I am so thankful for all the adventures and growth God has enabled me to have through my time at Camp Eagle and doing Walkabout. Its all bittersweet that this season is coming to an end. However, I wouldn't have it any other way. Because I am so excited for NOW, exactly where God has me and what he calls me to do day to day. I am still tying to process all the ways God is moving through me at this time in my life, and keep finding myself getting overwhelmed, but it is starting to get to the point where that is irrelevant. All that matters is Him. There is no “and”, no “but”, no “why”, just Is. He IS, and HAS, and DOES, and WILL. And that is all I need. To Him be the glory, forever.  

Live As We Are Called

        How do I explain what I feel right now? Yes feelings are misleading, and they can change drastically from this hour to the next. However, I cannot deny how I feel in this moment. Rather, I can't deny what I have just learned and still am learning that will change my attitude and perspective on my walk with God for the rest of my life.

        This weekend the walkabout students had the opportunity to be part of a homeless simulation program created by Mission Waco./World (Look into this!). Most of the week was spent learning about how unaware we truly are to the homeless and it made me sick. Most importantly, I learned just how much Jesus cares for the poor along with how bad we do at following his orders for us to take care of them. It's much more overwhelming to be one with them and see them struggling and hear them give God the glory even though they are way worse off than I am. Granted, not every one of them knew The Lord, which burdened me as well, seeing their emotionless gazes with no hope. But the ones who did have hope, gave me a new definition of faith and boldness to trust The Lord. I would go into more depth over what we experienced but I wouldn't want to spoil the experience for anyone who might consider it. Not to mention, the purpose of this post isn't to talk so much about the experience of being part of mission Waco, but to inspire and enlighten whoever might be reading this with something God has enlighten myself with. A question I was asked this weekend and would like to ask you is simply this, what are you called to?

        I understand that this question might seem large or hard to answer, but truly think about this, and think about what relates it to your walk with God. I know in my own life it's taken me up till now, a 20 year old adult, (and still growing) to understand fully what my calling looks like. However, I know God has called me to reach people. All people. I am very passionate about giving people hope and encouragement through the power of Jesus Christ, and that's something I couldn't have learned on my own. It's something He has to place inside us!

        But here is the hard part, I call my self a Christ follower, I say I believe in the word of God, I think I have a pretty good grasp on what he has called me to. So WHY am I not being active in those things. God deliberately tells us to care for the poor and needy. That he does not know us if we never feed the poor or clothed the naked or feed the hungry. I feel like I, and maybe many other believers have this mindset that it's too much for one person to tackle, so we just turn away and don't address the situation at all. But God tells us this is what we are CALLED TO DO! Can we say we truly believe in the word of God if we are not putting it to practice?! God has called me to be passionate about people, but how can I be passionate about people without being around them?! People who are broken, lost, and lonely and need the love of Christ. People who touched me this weekend and taught me humility by understanding how much growing I still have left spiritually.

        There was a moment this weekend where we got to hang out with some kids and play with them. One of the little girls pulled me aside on top of the slide and this is what she said. "Miss, I need you to do something, can you please, please pray for me!? My cousin has a tumor and I love her, and can't be with her, and she is sad. I need you to pray!"

        As she said this to me, with desperation in her voice, another girl no older than 3 was clinging to my legs and I was filled with this eagerness to take away all their pain right in that moment if God had of allowed me to. What truly amazed me was how she had just met me half an hour ago. I didn't tell her I believed in God, I was simply playing with her, giving her my time. But there is something radical that happens when we live our lives where God has called us. He moves. Somehow this little girl, who became my friend, knew that I had the power to pray for her cousin. Not my own power but power that is given to me from Jesus Christ when we say we believe in him, power from the Holy Spirit that dwells in us once we become believers. It WASN'T ME! It's not about us! It's not about finding where we fit in but about searching out how to fulfill what God has already called us to. What's even more crazy, is this little girl lived in the middle of Waco Texas and we were hanging out on a playground! You don't have to go overseas to take care of the poor! Crazy right?..

        One more thing. Through Mission Waco we were able to visit church under a bridge. Which is literally, a church, under a highway! Surrounded by people who have no homes, who were eating their first good meal in awhile, and were filled with the joy of God even though they had nothing besides the clothes on their backs..they.had.nothing. I met a lot of broken people, and never felt more accepted in a church, Because this church gets it!

        Praise God I can't ignore this anymore! I can't keep pretending. It's hard to express fully in my own words what I'm experiencing through this revelation, however here is a quote from some one I look up to a lot that summarizes what I am getting at perfectly! "Jesus said whatever you do to the least of these my brothers you’ve done it to me. And this is what I’ve come to think. That if I want to identify fully with Jesus Christ, who I claim to be my Savior and Lord, the best way that I can do that is to identify with the poor. This I know will go against the teachings of all the popular evangelical preachers. But they’re just wrong. They’re not bad, they’re just wrong. Christianity is not about building an absolutely secure little niche in the world where you can live with your perfect little wife and your perfect little children in a beautiful little house where you have no gays or minority groups anywhere near you. Christianity is about learning to love like Jesus loved and Jesus loved the poor and Jesus loved the broken...." Rich Mullins
        So, I don't know about you, but I'm ready and eager to start living as I am called by Jesus Christ. What are you called to? What are you willing to give up for Jesus? Lets start living as believers that live in obedience, and boldness to Him, not comfort and fear out of ourselves. I challenge you with what God has been challenging me with. Dive into the word of God and see and learn how alive it is! Don't just read it, but make it your life, do something about it! Lets be a body of true believers that actually live as we are called. Not in complacency but in action.  

To Him be the glory! 
"Isaiah 58 “Cry aloud; do not hold back;
lift up your voice like a trumpet;
declare to my people their transgression,
to the house of Jacob their sins.
2 Yet they seek me daily
and delight to know my ways,
as if they were a nation that did righteousness
and did not forsake the judgment of their God;
they ask of me righteous judgments;
they delight to draw near to God.
3 ‘Why have we fasted, and you see it not?
Why have we humbled ourselves, and you take no knowledge of it?’
Behold, in the day of your fast you seek your own pleasure,[a]
and oppress all your workers.
4 Behold, you fast only to quarrel and to fight
and to hit with a wicked fist.
Fasting like yours this day
will not make your voice to be heard on high.
5 Is such the fast that I choose,
a day for a person to humble himself?
Is it to bow down his head like a reed,
and to spread sackcloth and ashes under him?
Will you call this a fast,
and a day acceptable to the Lord?
6 “Is not this the fast that I choose:
to loose the bonds of wickedness,
to undo the straps of the yoke,
to let the oppressed[b] go free,
and to break every yoke?
7 Is it not to share your bread with the hungry
and bring the homeless poor into your house;
when you see the naked, to cover him,
and not to hide yourself from your own flesh?
8 Then shall your light break forth like the dawn,
and your healing shall spring up speedily;
your righteousness shall go before you;
the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard.
9 Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer;
you shall cry, and he will say, ‘Here I am.’
If you take away the yoke from your midst,
the pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness,
10 if you pour yourself out for the hungry
and satisfy the desire of the afflicted,
then shall your light rise in the darkness

and your gloom be as the noonday.
11 And the Lord will guide you continually
and satisfy your desire in scorched places
and make your bones strong;
and you shall be like a watered garden,
like a spring of water,
whose waters do not fail.
12 And your ancient ruins shall be rebuilt;
you shall raise up the foundations of many generations;
you shall be called the repairer of the breach,
the restorer of streets to dwell in.
13 “If you turn back your foot from the Sabbath,
from doing your pleasure[c] on my holy day,
and call the Sabbath a delight
and the holy day of the Lord honorable;
if you honor it, not going your own ways,
or seeking your own pleasure,[d] or talking idly;[e]
14 then you shall take delight in the Lord,
and I will make you ride on the heights of the earth;[f]
I will feed you with the heritage of Jacob your father,
for the mouth of the Lord has spoken."

Luke 14:33 "So therefore, any one of you who does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple."